I’m not use to not having to hustle.
I’m not use to not having to do it all.
I’ve been an independent women every since I’ve been seventeen years old. Though yes I’ve had times I had to stick a hand out or ask for a favor I have always had to look out for me. I went from living with my grandmother to staying with friends, to staying with my stepmom to getting my very own apartment all by nineteen. I had my first daughter at that age and I’ve felt the need to be a go-getter/hustler every since.
I was a single mother. Who else was going to take care of me and my little girl if I didnt. I worked so many jobs I think I missed out on moments but we had to survive. If you didnt know me you wouldnt think I was going home to a kid every night the way I worked to provide for her.
By twenty-four I had my second daughter, still having to be a single mother, but I was better established kinda. I only worked one job so I had more of a routine to be a little bit more present the second time around. I’m not going to act like I didnt struggle though.
After having my second daughter I lost my position at work and wasnt able to go right back to work after my leave and it left me devastated and depressed. Still I pushed forward and they were able to place me after a two month wait and a eviction notice.
Current day I’m twenty-seven and my are things different. I have a wonderful husband, whom I’ve been with three years. I’m currently pregnant with my third child (first son). I’m not working, kinda by choice. Also kinda because my husband agreed for me to quit my last job, kinda so I could go back to school and plus it’s a little hard to get a job to accept you months before your due. Either way it’s been driving me nuts.
I’m not use to not having to hustle. I’ve completely allow me husband to take the wheel. Somedays feel like I’m useless to my family because I cant contribute financially. I tell myself often it’s my season to be the hands on mother I never got to be before. This time I dont have to be so independent and its okay to depend on my husband to be rock for our family. I have to constantly tell myself that my home is my job. I have the opportunity to be a say home mother that keeps the house in order, cooks the meals, does the grocery shopping, washes the clothes, runs the errands, balance the check book, and nurtures the children without holding down a forty hour a week job at the same time.
I’m not use to not having to do it all. So it’s like I dont know how to take advantage of the situation that I’m in (which is a good one to be in). I can finally just focus on being a wife, being a mother, taking care of home and taking care of me. Why is it so hard to put the torch down? I dont have to be that independent strong not able to let her guard down black women society has made me become year after year. It’s my time to take motherhood and being a wife on full time and yet I cant seem to relax.
Praying that God helps me settle into my new role in life. I want to be the best wife and mother I can be while taking time out to find myself again.